Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Relationship Ramblings, part 257.

Who knew that after 26, comes the age of disappointment, missed opportunity, and inadequacy? The ticking of the biological clock is heard in the passing of baby bumps on the street, the hand holding late in the park after getting off the train, and evenings after work sitting alone on the couch watching the latest episode of Homeland.

The months after the 27th birthday have been marked by the shortness of breath, the sinking heart, the sweaty palms, and the need to keep my feet and brain moving. I can feel the pavement picking up beneath my feet rushing my pace to the next destination, lest the world fall apart behind me.

Yet, on a walk home, I watched the 6pm sun sink into the skyline and let the wind brush up against my earlobes. The landscape filling like a preschooler's coloring book: vibrant and meticulously messy. The cracks in the sidewalk spreading like the limbs of a tree hanging onto its last leaf.

It was a moment like so many others; peaceful and pleasant. And all I wanted was to have someone to nudge in the shoulder and to say, "How fuckin cool is this?"

As children, we yearn for independence. We go from wanting to cross the street without having to grab hold of someone's sleeve to fighting with pink polka-dot dress wearing mothers standing over hot stoves about going to the mall alone. We want to make decisions without questions splitting through the crack of the door and bouncing off the walls of our bedrooms. Filled with rage and angst as teenagers, we want nothing but to be alone and absorbed in our brooding moods and curse filled music.

In adult hood, we purr as love songs play on our Beats by Dre headphones (Miguel's "Adorn" on repeat, please). Our hearts are softened by frivolous romantic comedies playing on cable networks on Saturday afternoons and simultaneously impassioned by the knock-you-to-your-knees losses of loved ones. We wish on the stars for the companionship that will make us selfless, even if it's only for one meal where we sacrifice our favorite noodle dinner to eat fish tacos instead.

I'm starting to think that blogging, tweeting, instagramming and all that sharing of information is a substitute for real intimacy. Did I just say that? I sound like some old fart on the 8:30 segment of the Today Show, but I suggest this with sincere curiosity. All I've ever wanted was a room of my own and now I sit on my couch and think about how nice it would be to have someone with their feet up on the coffee table, hands in pants Al Bundy style.

This post is not about romantic love, but the moment when you realize that your greatest accomplishments come in the form of relationships. Winning awards mean nothing when...control your gag reflexes here, folks...when you have no one else to share it with. So this is why we will tweet to complete strangers that we have wiped our asses or are standing in a long line at Starbucks waiting for a soy pumpkin spice latte.

Our lifestyles have made it easy to feel connected to others, but as I thought about this the other day, it seems that no matter how many commas we have in our followers box, we still feel isolated. At this stage of life, it becomes more apparent that it doesn't matter how many numbers you have programmed into your phone. Rather, how many of them can you actually call after midnight to share a good cry or a funny joke? It's easy to find good company, but relationships are harder than finding your favorite lip balm in the bottom of your purse. No seriously, I have bought hundreds of lip balms and have never finished one, yet I can't find any of them.

Anyway of all of the friends I have made over the years, and I don't use that word lightly, it has been painstakingly hard to keep all of them. For something that matters so much, we get so little training in them. Friendship and Relationships 101 (honors), please? When you've spent so much of your life "working on your best self" how do you transition into partnerships?



  1. Love this post. Both in the feeling that technology actually makes us less connected and that friendships are so, so hard to keep up.

  2. I participate in countless writing groups seeking the honesty of your words. Please never stop writing...though I doubt you will because it would beckon you. Just had to say that.

  3. Thank You for speaking the words of my heart. Why I haven't blogged since july until last week, was because I am feeling the same way. Pushing 30, alone and wanting so much more. I completed a Opera in September and really had no one to go home to, to share it with. My heart was ripped out of my chest in June without any explanation from the loser that did it. All making me think like there was someothing wrong with myself. Maybe me being me wasn't enough, or maybe I wasn't being me! I was even feeling like the online life I created via my blog wasn't real, or the interactions I've had on twitter which have made them few and far in between. And when your a artist, a writer like yourself or a singer/actress like me, you are constantly digging for meaning in everything. Especially since you are quite familiar with how important everything means.

    This post is why I love your blog. Keep Your head up!

  4. This rang so true to how I have been feeling recently!
    I am so absorbed in social netowrking and sharing the daily (sometimes) meanial moments of my life online, but sometimes wonder whether this is in exchange for real connections with people that matter most. Dont get me wrong I cherish those most close to me but feel I too am at a moment in my young life where I want to share more than just tweets with people, and exchange these for lazy sundays arm in arm with someone special.

  5. Love this post, so true, so honest! Real connections/relationships are amazing and mean so much. i believe they play a big part in a persons happiness.

  6. First of all- i love your writing. The imagery you create in my mind with your words is really a form of art. You dont only write for the sake of writing, but you draw the audience into your world. Correct me if im wrong, but i think even if no one commented or read your work- you would still write because this what you love. You dont write for fame, recognition, money; such commitment to your craft is admirable.

    Secondly, this post is great. Social media is meant to bring us closer but somehow we are more isolated than before and the perils of growing up where other friends aren't a bike ride away? Where we do life- whatever that means.

  7. @Tiffany Sometimes I remember that I haven't heard or seen a friend's face in months and really our relationship has been living through text messages. And then it feels strange to call them as if I am crossing over some line. Phone calls are now special. So strange.

    @Chamayne I need to join a writing group, myself. I have just gone through therapy, which helps with the honesty. Also, forgetting that any one else is going read this helps.

    @thickspot get back to writing! However, I know it's hard to be creative through transititional phases in your life, but it can help to put things down. I am finding that if I continue to do what I know is right and feels good that things will align. But geesh, sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Sigh. My head is up! Thanks for commenting. =)

    @Hannah Yea, I'm not sure how the transition gets made. I like tweeting and social networking, but I wonder the price we pay for that. Especially when I think about all of the times I have said that I don't have enough time for other people, yet here I am tweeting away. Hmm... Thanks for reading!

    @Kenyetta Thanks! It seems that relationships are the only things that matter in the end.

    @Anonymous Thank you so much! I guess I do write for myself. It's not for any other reason than that it's something that feels natural. I can't imagine it not being a part of my life. Thank you for the kind words, but it's really just nice to write.

    And it doesn't seem like we are any closer to people. Even those who live near us, we don't find ways to make time for them. It's all strange.