joy.

On Father's Day

                                                She let's me play with her toes. 

i mean.

photo taken by Aunty Cat

...you'll want to hang out with a six month old.

and now she's asleep. snoring like her daddy. 

Dear Tessa: A Letter About Feminism

Dear Tessa,

This is one of those things that you won't be allowed to decide on your own, but don't worry, I never really had a choice in the matter, either.

You are a feminist.

This should be your favorite F word. Fuck is my favorite, but Feminist is definitely the most critical to my personal identity. You were born this way. Birthed by a hard-working mother and a loving father who believe that your destiny is nothing short of greatness, you are the living embodiment of Feminism.

By the time you read this, we will be swimming in the fifth or sixth wave of this movement/ideology/spirit, but you should know that it began with the radical thought that "women are equal to men."

 I hope that made you chuckle because if it didn't, I will be shedding a few tears for the future of our civilizations.


Here are seven quick tips to being a "good" Feminist:

1. Question everything. Sometimes questioning can be done verbally in a classroom when a history teacher forgets to tell you about the important role women played in the Civil Rights Movement (Rosa Parks wasn't the only one). Sometimes you'll write the questions in your journal and discuss it later with a trust worthy group of women. Before you start throwing out people's ideas or dismissing what has come before you, examine it and appreciate it for what it is or was.

2. Read anything you can get your hands on. Your questions will get better because of this. It'll give you more time to think about the Why's and not just the What's. Read fiction and non-fiction. Get lost in a story. Get uplifted by the possibilities. Get knocked on your ass by the cruel reality of our world's violent and discriminate past.

3. Play sports. Some people will say that I am being a pushy aunt and trying to make you a superstar athlete. However, I don't give a shit if you ever learn how to properly shoot a ball (but you will), I do care that you stand in a locker room with ten to fifteen other girls. In that room you will see different body types. You will watch them on the same uniform, borrowing lotion from one another to hide the same ashen winter skin, and lacing up hightop sneakers to protect twisting ankles. This is where you will learn that the female body is a vehicle for strength and not an object of arousal by the male gaze. Playing on these teams, you will have the courage to say No because you will know that this body, your body, is your prized possession.

4. Be responsible for the energy you bring. Often this piece of advice isn't given in the context of feminism and empowerment, but as women we bare the burden that requires us to be both button pusher and hugger. Be an ally to everyone in the room. Even if you disagree with every molecule in that person's body, find a way to throw them a rope which keeps them from drowning in their disillusioned ideology.  Feminism is not about standing on a pedestal, yelling about equality (most of the time), but it's about offering an alternative to the existing misogynistic patriarchal way of thinking. It's about showing a new way of being, which is both strong, yet kind and considerate of the people with whom we share space.

5. Remember that men are not your enemy, but their way of thinking can be. Even the good and honest men that you love all the way down to the lint in between your toes will make jokes or say comments that will contradict your Feminism. You are still allowed to love those men. You should still love them. Question why (Rule #1) they think this way and help them navigate through those thoughts. This won't be done for every man (and it shouldn't) because some men are just douche bags and not worthy of your time.

6. Confident and smart women are not a threat to your success, they are your best asset. The more women we have that are moving through industries, being innovative, and climbing up the ladder the better off all of us will be. We need all women, those who are at the top of the capitalistic food chain and those that who barely eating, to simultaneously push against that fabled glass ceiling.

7.  Do not live your life according to an ideology. Feminism is about the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want (unless your parents say no). It's not about putting on a power suit and walking into a boardroom with a briefcase and a scowl. It's not about becoming a domestic goddess either. Feminism has given us the opportunity to expect it all and to try our best to have it all. Feminism is the raising of expectations of what a woman can be.

As you can see, these letters are becoming a bit more intense and honest, but as I see you growing up with your wide eyes filled with wonder, I know that you can handle this. You have the power and strength, already, to take on this tough world. You will be  the girl, the woman, who will create change and make the world better for all people. I can feel it as you bounce on my lap or when we look into each other's eyes. You have what it takes to battle the inequalities.

You, my Tessa B, already have it all.

As always, with much love,
Tia.

Dear Tessa (part 3)

Dear Tessa,

Not sure if you've noticed this yet, but you're sort of a big deal. People are already starting to talk about how beautiful you are. I hope by the time you're all big and grown up, people won't care so much about physical appearances, but I doubt it. As a girl/woman, you'll have to deal with society's obsession with aesthetics. The world will nitpick at you like a piece of lint on a wool coat trying to find a flaw. Don't listen to those people, my love. But don't ever believe that beauty isn't important.

There is nothing wrong with paying attention to the way the curves and loops of a flower petal intertwine to make a pattern that will cause an involuntary curl of a lip, into a smile. There will be an evening when the sun will set on a long walk home after a grueling day at work. You'll pause, dip your hips into the curb, and xerox the way the gold sparkles onto the leaves into the part of your mind that turns off the negative thoughts.

The most important thing you can do in life is search for beauty. Find it in the earthworms that come out after a summer rain. Find it in the strumming of a guitar by the man with the holes in his shoes who does it out of love and not greed. Find it in the dampness of a book in the hidden stacks of a library when the security guard is flashing his light into your hiding spot. Find it in the sweetness of a watermelon slice. Find it in the stranger who holds the door for you and keeps you from spilling tea on a favorite blouse. Find it in the warmth of a blanket and a mug of hot chocolate.

Hunt for beauty on the days when you're starving for affection, attention, and validation. Sometimes you'll be buried so deep in pity and misery, that you won't believe that such a thing doesn't even exist. There is so much ugly in the world, but be careful, for it's usually disguised in wrapping paper topped with a bow. You'll know you've found the real thing, though, when your heart begins to beat really fast or if you're like me, a tear will cradle in your eyelash until it drops onto a cheek.

Lastly, Tessa, while you acknowledge the beauty of the rest of the world, don't forget to see it in yourself. The biggest mistake I have ever made was sitting in a room filled with other wonderful people, amazed, and going home to not see it in myself.

Be your number one fan. When you look in the mirror or look down at something you have made, admire it. Smell it. Taste it. Listen to it. Feel it. Give yourself butterflies because there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who loves and appreciates herself.

xoxo,
Tia

Dear Tessa (Part Two)

Dear Tessa,

Your father would prefer that I call you Tess, but since I'm your aunt I can call you whatever I want. Only sweet words, of course.

 Your Papà and I have always disagreed, and I'm sure that you'll bear witness to some of our arguments, but just know that these are not reflective of our relationship. You see, Kevin and I are only 15 months apart and practically twins. He's my best friend and worst enemy. When things were tough he was my safe zone, not that I have ever treated him like that. But you, my little chickadee, will be much nicer to him than I was. Right?

He adores you. I knew this on the day he called to say Mommy was pregnant. I could hear it in his voice. He was never scared or nervous, but sure that this is all he had ever wanted in his life.

Unlike your aunt, Papà is a man of certainty. He wakes up before 6, is always on time, and knows which bag of chips he'll want at the corner store before we even get there. Sometimes, this quality will be frustrating when you'll want to browse the shoe section, change into a dress and not wear pants, or arrive fashionably late. For him, it's all about the destination, girl.

Deal with this. This is not the battle you'll win. The best thing about him is that he'll still be sweet to you, even if you're late or can't choose what to eat off the menu.

Let me teach you some tricks on how to get what you want. He may have been my arch nemesis, but he's still my big brother, which means that he'd always do anything for me. You have to use his practicality against him.  For example, if the goal is to assemble my dresser, it's more efficient if he just builds it. He'll do it better and faster. All I have to do is pass him the tools, maybe fetch some water or a towel, and provide company/entertainment.

Also!  Look like you're working and ask questions. It makes him think that you are trying to learn how to do this on your own someday. Say thank you a million times over and really mean it. He'll go above and beyond for you if you're just appreciative.

I hope that you'll be good enough to beat him in basketball a few times in your life. He's a tough competitor with his size and speed. He is always in full control of his body, but if you want to beat him, you'll have to work twice as hard and run three times as fast to get the loose balls. He only chases the ball if there is a chance to score. Also, pump fake, a lot. Otherwise, you'll be eating the ball when he blocks your shot. He’s just really good at lots of things. It’s annoying, I know.

Here are some other quick things you should know about your dad:

·         He has a tendency to tap on things and sing while you're trying to read.

·         If you act helpless, he'll do anything for you. He still doesn't know that I know how to connect a DVD player to the TV.

·         Only 1 out 4 of his jokes are funny, but that 25% will have you in stitches. He does really good impressions, too. “Hercules! Hercules!"

·         Before you get all super embarrassed of him, have him to teach you how to dance and sing. He's the best at both. He also writes beautiful songs that will make you want to gag because you'll love them so much.

·         Your dad is a great listener and gives great hugs, especially when you’re crying.

·        

          He's also an emotional man, which makes you the luckiest girl in the world. He'll understand when you're in a bad mood and will do anything to make you happy again.

Finally, dads sometimes don't get it. They won’t understand when you’re craving chocolate or are crying for no apparent reason. But don’t worry; your dad has lots of practice with one of the craziest teenage girls of all time: Moi. When you’re about to get fed up with him, cut him some slack. He wants to understand, but he just can’t. Ask him to take you out for ice cream or for some space. He’ll do it. This, My Dear, is why you’re the luckiest little girl in the world. Don’t you ever forget it, and whenever you do, call me and I’ll give you a friendly little reminder.

Love,
The Most Rotten Little Brat Ever

Dear Tessa (part 1)

Dear Tessa,

I know we just met today, but you're alright by me, kid. In fact, I can't say your name without tearing up. Excuse your Tìa, but I'm emotional. I hope you have a little bit of that in you. You'll need it in this family. When I saw you in Tìo Junior's arms I started to cry, as did he, and your dad said, "We'll all teach her things." So, since your dad gave me the green light, let's get started!

You won't have to remember all of this now, but keep this for your collection ("Scarface" reference. We can watch that together when you're 14).

1. Listen to your mom and dad when they tell you that skirt is too short.

2. Don't drink coffee until at least your third year of college.

3. Fat is not a bad word.

4. The worst things you can be called are 'stupid' and 'dumb.'

5. There are such things as stupid questions.

6. Ask for help when you need it. Whether it's your fourth grade math homework or when you're 25 and can't find a way to make up with your best friend. Your Tìa knows all about that and is more than willing to help.

7. Laugh until you cry.

8. Cry until you laugh and can move on.

9. Stay away from ugly people; ugly on the inside. You will never be able to fix anyone no matter how much you love them.

10. Your Vòvò taught me this and it has been the best piece of advice that I have ever received: Only aspire to be kind. And when you think that you're being kind of enough, try harder. You'll never regret it.

11. Don't forget your roots. Your grandparents were immigrants from the tiny islands of Cabo Verde. They scrubbed toilets at Harvard Law School and checked the blades at the Gillette Factory for you. They worked hard in hopes that you would have a better future. Remember this, as I know that I have forgotten it so many times in my life when I didn't write a paper because I was too tired. Write the paper. Finish the race. Finish because you've got it in you.

12. Make mistakes. Make lots of them. Make them until you finally learn that it's okay to mess up and I promise that is when you really succeed.

13. Never shoot a basketball with two hands. It's a horrible habit that will be hard to break. Practice dribbling with your less dominant hand. Play basketball. You don't have a choice in this, baby girl.

14. Cut off all of your hair at least once in your life.

16. Go to a women's college. Seven Sisters. You're welcome.

17. Make Papa pay for you to study abroad.

18. Ask mommy to bring you to Italy.

19. Practice speaking creole, even when I slip up and speak English to you. Learn your language.

20. In 7th grade, read "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." It'll keep your hormones at bay.

21. Spend time alone in your room drawing, day dreaming, and being silent.

22. You have cousins. They will help you get through so much that your friends just won't understand.

23. If someone gives you a shoulder, cry on it.

I'm an old lady and have a whole lot more to share with you, Tess. I think this is a good start, though.

Love,
Your Coolest Tìa

What advice would you give to Baby Tess? Share!